If Americans owned the Waverley, it would already be a historic monument, national park, nautical museum, Superbowl champion, Oscar winner, Bill Clinton's running mate ...
And odds on for the Kentucky Derby.
It would sit in a man-made lake in Hollywood, its twin funnels belching fake smoke once a year when Michael Jackson used it for his latest video.
Fortunately, it isn't owned by Americans. If truth be told, it's actually owned by a bunch of steam- powered nutters.
But their enthusiasm is hot enough to fire a ship's boiler.
And they are determined to keep the P.S. Waverley where she belongs - in the sea, sailing ... in Scotland.
She's doing exactly that this weekend with two special cruises to celebrate her 50th birthday.
Tomorrow, she'll repeat her maiden voyage of June, 1947, by steaming up Loch Long to Arrochar with free tickets to former shipyard workers who helped build her.
And on Sunday, in her last trip of the season, she covers the journey that has endeared her to millions of Scots - through the famous Kyles of Bute, then on to Tighnabruaich.
Not bad for a ship that once looked destined for the scrap yard before it was eventually purchased for a single pound note in 1974 by the Paddle Steamer Preservation Society.
The Waverley normally sits 100 yards from my desk in Anderston Quay, Glasgow.
So, when I went to visit her last week, I didn't even pack my cigarettes.
But the old lady wasn't there. Terry Sylvester, chairman of Waverley's operating company, solved the mystery.
He told me: "She's in London. Attracting thousands of visitors and flying the flag for Scotland.
"Fancy a sail?"
I tracked her down to Tower Pier on the Thames, where her familiar black and lead funnels stood starkly against the grey stone of the Tower of London. These are familiar waters for the grand, old dame. She first sailed to the Smoke in 1978. The Waverley is barely the length of a football pitch. But she looked like the QE2 to me.
THE sheer romance of steam paddle sailing had lured 700 aboard. It was Glasgow Fair Monday, but with English accents.
How do you tell a Londoner what "Doon the Watter" means?
As the famous spans of Tower Bridge rose to let this floating piece of Scottish history pass underneath, I felt a lump in my throat.
And I don't mean I was feeling seasick.
Thousands more cheered from the bridge and the riverside. The Waverley couldn't have caused a bigger sensation if Damon Hill had been on the top deck clutching Madonna's new baby.
On we paddled past HMS Belfast, the Cutty Sark and the Thames Barrier to Tilbury.
I could see bubbling white foam. I had the taste of salt on my lips. And that was just me having a pint and some peanuts in the bar below decks.
I went back upstairs in time to get a soaking from the outside. It wasn't London drizzle - it was a Thames fire boat, hoses at full spray, wishing the old girl a happy golden jubilee.
As we steamed east towards Southend, cameras clicked and videos whirred. Dads took their sons down to watch the huge open engines turn the massive paddles.
Voices were English, American, Japanese and a few exiled Scots come to relive their childhood memories.
As we neared Southend pier, Waverley captain David Neill invited me to the bridge to watch her berth. "Blow the whistle," I heard him order. But it wasn't a crewman who carried out the command - it was Tip, his faithful dog.
The cheeky pooch follows the 52-year-old skipper everywhere, barking when the ship's horn sounds and tugging at the ropes when the Waverley unties. If the skipper could only teach it to navigate, he'd be unemployed!
Captain Neill has been the Waverley's master for 22 years, the longest in its history.
He's got 30 years marine experience behind him, working for CalMac, then Western Ferries.
Yet his dogs are almost as well-known among the harbour communities as he is.
Tip's predecessor Grudie knew every port on the west coast ... but wasn't so hot at remembering sailing times! He'd often jump ship and be left stranded.
After one trip, he was sent back to David covered in labels from Ayr to Arrochar - with a bill for bed and breakfast in Rothesay tucked under his collar.
The ship is a labour of love for Captain Neill and he's proud of its achievements.
He said: "When the Waverley was bought over in 1974, some people said she would never sail again.
"And if she did, it would be a nine-day wonder. It made everyone involved determined to prove the sceptics wrong."
The nine-day wonder is still going strong 22 years later. It's survived in the face of economic hardship and the onset of old-age, but came back to take centre stage by sailing to Dunkirk for the 50th anniversary of the wartime evacuations.
Her skipper said: "What makes the Waverley so special is that it is a living, working piece of Scotland's heritage. She's not sitting in a museum. She's out there doing what she was built for 50 years ago.
"I know she'll go on one day to celebrate her centenary."
Tip blew the whistle again.
Next stop, the English Channel, the Bristol Channel, then she'll head back to Scotland for a weekend of partying.
Thousands of Scots who've sailed on her will join her en- route to wish her a happy 50th birthday.
Lotto riding on it
The Waverley's future in the next millennium will be secure ... if six digits get a pay-out from the Lottery.
169494 is the ship's registered number. And the Waverley Steam Navigation Company's bid for Heritage Lottery funding will be considered in the New Year.
An ambitious pounds 3million plan to rebuild her from the hull upwards is on the drawing board for 1998. But a Lottery windfall would, at best, give them a 75 per cent grant.
The WSNC - and its supporters club The Paddle Steamer Preservation Society - need to raise at least pounds 750,000.
Chairman Terry Sylvester told me: "The rebuild is vital to Waverley's long-term future. But it will be carried out with utmost care. The traditional appearance and fabric of Waverley will be strictly maintained."
If you would like to help the Waverley - or want more information about her future - Terry can be contacted on 01446 721 221.
A warm but wet memory
The Waverley is a source of sentiment for thousands of
people who have sailed with her. Here are just a few of their
reminiscences...
My husband Gordon and I were just courting in 1962. He was a cook on the Waverley and I worked in the catering office of the ship's owners.
When we had a date, Gordon would get off the boat at Gourock on the return journey. I would stand at Gourock Pier watching the black smoke from the Waverley as she left Dunoon. - Pauline McArthur, Millport.
My memories of the Waverley were a disaster. I went on deck to breathe in the sea air, only to be hit by a giant wave from the paddle.
I was taken to the engine room to dry out but, on the way back, the paddle broke and we were stuck at Dunoon.
Most passengers got merry at the bar, but as I had left my car at the quay, I had to grin and bear it. - Mr G. McMillan, Glasgow.
THE Waverley is just one of the famous paddle steamers I was honoured to tie up at Kilcreggan Pier.
As a boy of 16, I was the only pier hand at the mercy of these ships fighting to reach the pier head first.
The Comet from Lochgoil, had no chance. I had to decide to signal the Lucy Ashton or the Marchioness of Lorne.
I gave the signal to the Lorne, but Captain McPhail on the Lucy kept coming and I was glad when the Lorne out- paddled him! - Archie McDougall, Grangemouth.
I holidayed annually in Dunoon and I recall sailing on the brand-new Waverley in 1947 when I was 11 years old. - H. E. Anderson, Melton Mowbray, Leicestershire.
MY parents always took us to Rothesay for our summer holidays. I remember getting the Waverley at the Broomielaw, then sailing down the Clyde with music on board. - Mrs Nan Mackay, Golspie, Sutherland.
HAPPY PUFFDAY; LET'S SAIL-ABRATE: We join the world's most famous paddle steamer as she makes a splash on her 50th anniversary.(Features)If Americans owned the Waverley, it would already be a historic monument, national park, nautical museum, Superbowl champion, Oscar winner, Bill Clinton's running mate ...
And odds on for the Kentucky Derby.
It would sit in a man-made lake in Hollywood, its twin funnels belching fake smoke once a year when Michael Jackson used it for his latest video.
Fortunately, it isn't owned by Americans. If truth be told, it's actually owned by a bunch of steam- powered nutters.
But their enthusiasm is hot enough to fire a ship's boiler.
And they are determined to keep the P.S. Waverley where she belongs - in the sea, sailing ... in Scotland.
She's doing exactly that this weekend with two special cruises to celebrate her 50th birthday.
Tomorrow, she'll repeat her maiden voyage of June, 1947, by steaming up Loch Long to Arrochar with free tickets to former shipyard workers who helped build her.
And on Sunday, in her last trip of the season, she covers the journey that has endeared her to millions of Scots - through the famous Kyles of Bute, then on to Tighnabruaich.
Not bad for a ship that once looked destined for the scrap yard before it was eventually purchased for a single pound note in 1974 by the Paddle Steamer Preservation Society.
The Waverley normally sits 100 yards from my desk in Anderston Quay, Glasgow.
So, when I went to visit her last week, I didn't even pack my cigarettes.
But the old lady wasn't there. Terry Sylvester, chairman of Waverley's operating company, solved the mystery.
He told me: "She's in London. Attracting thousands of visitors and flying the flag for Scotland.
"Fancy a sail?"
I tracked her down to Tower Pier on the Thames, where her familiar black and lead funnels stood starkly against the grey stone of the Tower of London. These are familiar waters for the grand, old dame. She first sailed to the Smoke in 1978. The Waverley is barely the length of a football pitch. But she looked like the QE2 to me.
THE sheer romance of steam paddle sailing had lured 700 aboard. It was Glasgow Fair Monday, but with English accents.
How do you tell a Londoner what "Doon the Watter" means?
As the famous spans of Tower Bridge rose to let this floating piece of Scottish history pass underneath, I felt a lump in my throat.
And I don't mean I was feeling seasick.
Thousands more cheered from the bridge and the riverside. The Waverley couldn't have caused a bigger sensation if Damon Hill had been on the top deck clutching Madonna's new baby.
On we paddled past HMS Belfast, the Cutty Sark and the Thames Barrier to Tilbury.
I could see bubbling white foam. I had the taste of salt on my lips. And that was just me having a pint and some peanuts in the bar below decks.
I went back upstairs in time to get a soaking from the outside. It wasn't London drizzle - it was a Thames fire boat, hoses at full spray, wishing the old girl a happy golden jubilee.
As we steamed east towards Southend, cameras clicked and videos whirred. Dads took their sons down to watch the huge open engines turn the massive paddles.
Voices were English, American, Japanese and a few exiled Scots come to relive their childhood memories.
As we neared Southend pier, Waverley captain David Neill invited me to the bridge to watch her berth. "Blow the whistle," I heard him order. But it wasn't a crewman who carried out the command - it was Tip, his faithful dog.
The cheeky pooch follows the 52-year-old skipper everywhere, barking when the ship's horn sounds and tugging at the ropes when the Waverley unties. If the skipper could only teach it to navigate, he'd be unemployed!
Captain Neill has been the Waverley's master for 22 years, the longest in its history.
He's got 30 years marine experience behind him, working for CalMac, then Western Ferries.
Yet his dogs are almost as well-known among the harbour communities as he is.
Tip's predecessor Grudie knew every port on the west coast ... but wasn't so hot at remembering sailing times! He'd often jump ship and be left stranded.
After one trip, he was sent back to David covered in labels from Ayr to Arrochar - with a bill for bed and breakfast in Rothesay tucked under his collar.
The ship is a labour of love for Captain Neill and he's proud of its achievements.
He said: "When the Waverley was bought over in 1974, some people said she would never sail again.
"And if she did, it would be a nine-day wonder. It made everyone involved determined to prove the sceptics wrong."
The nine-day wonder is still going strong 22 years later. It's survived in the face of economic hardship and the onset of old-age, but came back to take centre stage by sailing to Dunkirk for the 50th anniversary of the wartime evacuations.
Her skipper said: "What makes the Waverley so special is that it is a living, working piece of Scotland's heritage. She's not sitting in a museum. She's out there doing what she was built for 50 years ago.
"I know she'll go on one day to celebrate her centenary."
Tip blew the whistle again.
Next stop, the English Channel, the Bristol Channel, then she'll head back to Scotland for a weekend of partying.
Thousands of Scots who've sailed on her will join her en- route to wish her a happy 50th birthday.
Lotto riding on it
The Waverley's future in the next millennium will be secure ... if six digits get a pay-out from the Lottery.
169494 is the ship's registered number. And the Waverley Steam Navigation Company's bid for Heritage Lottery funding will be considered in the New Year.
An ambitious pounds 3million plan to rebuild her from the hull upwards is on the drawing board for 1998. But a Lottery windfall would, at best, give them a 75 per cent grant.
The WSNC - and its supporters club The Paddle Steamer Preservation Society - need to raise at least pounds 750,000.
Chairman Terry Sylvester told me: "The rebuild is vital to Waverley's long-term future. But it will be carried out with utmost care. The traditional appearance and fabric of Waverley will be strictly maintained."
If you would like to help the Waverley - or want more information about her future - Terry can be contacted on 01446 721 221.
A warm but wet memory
The Waverley is a source of sentiment for thousands of
people who have sailed with her. Here are just a few of their
reminiscences...
My husband Gordon and I were just courting in 1962. He was a cook on the Waverley and I worked in the catering office of the ship's owners.
When we had a date, Gordon would get off the boat at Gourock on the return journey. I would stand at Gourock Pier watching the black smoke from the Waverley as she left Dunoon. - Pauline McArthur, Millport.
My memories of the Waverley were a disaster. I went on deck to breathe in the sea air, only to be hit by a giant wave from the paddle.
I was taken to the engine room to dry out but, on the way back, the paddle broke and we were stuck at Dunoon.
Most passengers got merry at the bar, but as I had left my car at the quay, I had to grin and bear it. - Mr G. McMillan, Glasgow.
THE Waverley is just one of the famous paddle steamers I was honoured to tie up at Kilcreggan Pier.
As a boy of 16, I was the only pier hand at the mercy of these ships fighting to reach the pier head first.
The Comet from Lochgoil, had no chance. I had to decide to signal the Lucy Ashton or the Marchioness of Lorne.
I gave the signal to the Lorne, but Captain McPhail on the Lucy kept coming and I was glad when the Lorne out- paddled him! - Archie McDougall, Grangemouth.
I holidayed annually in Dunoon and I recall sailing on the brand-new Waverley in 1947 when I was 11 years old. - H. E. Anderson, Melton Mowbray, Leicestershire.
MY parents always took us to Rothesay for our summer holidays. I remember getting the Waverley at the Broomielaw, then sailing down the Clyde with music on board. - Mrs Nan Mackay, Golspie, Sutherland.
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